a car, a cactus, and lots of country music

Fall Break has finally arrived. I have been anticipating this for quit some time now. I needed a break from school, and now it's officially here! and let me tell ya, first day of break was a glorious adventure. I began my expedition at approximately 5 o'clock in the morning. My whole family piled in the car, pj's still being worn and eyes still blurred from the early awakening. we were off to the land of Arizona. I was grateful to fall back into sleep for the first few hours of our seemingly endless journey. Unfortunately, I was unable to sleep the entire time, just the majority. For the hours I wasn't asleep I was graced by my father to listen to country music (no offense, but I have a strong distaste for country music) and then I also got to snuggle up with my little brother's feet, for little 6 yr. old Kolbein had entire rule in the backseat and he loved to fully recline and get all comfy for his naps and movie viewings, and for some reason he always had his feet end all up in my face...it's a good thing I love him. At one point in the 13 hour long drive I made my daddy stop so that I could take a picture of a cactus. Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone thought I was insane as I hopped out of the car and hiked up a hill to take a picture of a cactus, but in my defense, it was a really cool cactus (I'll post the picture once I get my camera to computer cord thingy) so yeah, it was some really great family bonding time, and we eventually made it. Once we made it we went to dinner and ate the best mexican food around, the best. In fact, I ate so much that I'm pretty sure I already gained 5 pounds, but it was worth every ounce. It was great seeing the family and I met some of my cousins for the first time ever! I'm having a really hard time remembering all their names but I'm getting there. I was then able to go hang out with my awesome cousin Braedon along with all his friends. It's such a small town here in Thatcher, Arizona that I'm pretty sure by the end of the week I'll know the entire town. I love fall break and now I'm ready to get out of this hotel room and go party :) If I do anything too crazy I promis I'll come post about it.
Go be Spontaneous. Y.O.L.O

For a Moment

I'm sitting before a blinking cursor, starring at the emptiness of an unwritten post. So many words and thoughts to display, but no way to eloquently string them together. Just too many emotions and stories that I cannot explain, too many moments where words will never suffice. My words are too few, at least the ones I'm willing to share, so for now this is going to have to do:
 I wish my words could show you the heart break I felt as she told me her story of her inadequacy and guilt. But even then it wasn't her words, but the look in her eyes that completed the story and made myself cry.
I wanted to say something to comfort us both, but all I could say is "I'm sorry, that's rough..."
My words probably meant nothing- but the moment we touched, as I embraced her and hugged her that's when I felt pure sisterly love.
It's not what we say, or what's written in a post, it's the hugs and the tears that help us live most. It's that human connection, the moment were words are obsolete, that's when more can be said then a lifetime of words can create. 

  

Zebra Stripes

Who knew girls could be so emotional. I sometimes can't understand it. But at the same time I need to realize it's not a big deal. I love her, a lot (I honestly do) and so I'll forgive and forget because the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest. And let's be honest, we all have those crazy emotional moments, and my week seemed to be filled with them. Do you want to hear about them? Well, if you do, here ya go:
Sometimes I feel bad for Monday, everyone seems to hate her so, but sometimes it really sucks to have to go back to reality and realize you must make it through the whole week, so I don't blame anyone for hating Monday, cause I do to. And well, let's just say that by the end of 4th period that day I was ready to burst into tears. But he noticed, and he told me that all will be well. He reminded me of the good things in life. And when I finally sat down in my car, ready to go home after a long day, I just took a deep breath, I let out a long sigh and then I looked right in front of me, where stuck on my windshield was a kind note. Filled with love and optimism, this note let me know that someone cared for me, that they cared about me, and it made me so happy that for the rest of the day my face hurt from smiling so much.
Tuesday felt like it should've been a Thursday. I went through the motions and survived another day in the dreaded place most people call school. Later that day I had the opportunity of acting like a 5 year old for a number of hours as I babysat. I was reminded of the simplicity and the true joys in life, I was reminded of what really matters.
I'm pretty sure I slept through most of Wednesday, classes and all. But I also went to a lovely choir concert. And afterwards we went to see our friend open his mission call. What an experience it is to see your good friend open his mission call, to realize he will be in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma for two whole years.
Thursday, oh Thursday.  I decided to be spontaneous, and I just showed up at a soccer game. Probably the best spontaneous thing I have ever done. I really had no idea he had a game. I just saw his car and realized that, being a Thursday, he might have a game. So I walked over there and watched. Afterwards we talked... And sometimes just talking to someone can turn your day upside down and make it one of the best days ever. 
And that brings us all the way to today, Friday! I'll be incredibly impressed if you actually read all of this....
So, moral of the story is; life is filled with good and bad, highs and lows, happy and sad. It all just depends on how you decide to look at it. I appreciate genuine people; the kind of people who look you in the eye when they say they care about you, and then give you the warmest hug you ever did have. I appreciate happy people; the people who smile in the face of adversity and look at hard circumstances as an opportunity to grow. I appreciate people who appreciate life; the kind of people who live each day as if it is some grand adventure. I appreciate you.

She closes the door behind her, so no one else can hear. The sun pours in through the window as she sits down on that wooden bench. The silence fills the room until one finger gently presses down on that smooth white key.  Her heart and mind slowly unfold as that music pierces the air. A song only played once, and only she's there to hear it. In the empty eggshell-colored room she feels free for the first time that day. Each note takes her to a new place. It is her favorite feeling. She leaves this world for a moment, her mind is cleared and her eyes are opened to a different understanding. As her hands continue to glide up and down the keys, there is no tension to be found. So many emotions now float through the air...if only someone else could escape into this world with her, into her home away from home.

Changing seasons

It's officially the first day of fall. I cannot even describe the joy that this spectacular day brings me. Hot chocolate, carving pumpkins, the smells, the haunted houses, hoodies and boots, cuddling, the leaves, candy corn, the weather... Autumn, I have been anxiously awaiting your arrival, and finally you're here.
 And as the Earth transitions into a new season, I do as well. Everyone has different seasons in their life; and I am now beginning a new one now. Sometimes I wish I could look into the future and see what life will bring, but I can't, so instead I look ahead with an optimistic excitement, and I continue on, day by day, along the path of life.

 

 Click on any of the above pictures.

me.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my crazy, teenage, irrational emotions; jealous, rude, overly-sensitive, critical, selfish. But that's not really me, I hope.
 *I sincerely apologize to those of you who have ever affiliated with me during my awful outbursts of rage, but everyone has those moments, right?*
But luckily, I have found my outlet, my way to let it go, and it's called dance. 
Now, you must understand that I dance everyday, but there is a large difference between just doing dance movements and dancing with your whole heart and soul. Sometimes it's during these hard days, when my whole world seems to be upside down, that I've learned how to truly dance. There, all by myself, though surrounded by others, I'm able to forget myself and let it go, and at that moment I expose myself to the entire world, my worries disappear and suddenly I'm me.
It's not always about the competitions and judges, or what people say about me when I dance, it's not about the reputation I get as a dancer (especially because at times it's not a very good reputation), but it's about that feeling I have when I dance. That feeling of freedom, of ,complete and utter joy that feeling when you can finally see yourself improve, that moment when your crazy, awful day is suddenly filled with light, that moment when my true self is expressed.
Words can't describe it, but let me try it this way:

Imagine a cardboard box in a dark room,

inside is a light,

but the only way you can ever see that light is if you open the box,

and once the box is opened, that light can reach out and fill the darkness.

the world (and my crazy, teenage, irrational emotions) is the darkness,

I am the box

and dance is that light inside of me,

when I open up, I expose myself to the world,

suddenly that darkness is filled with light

and I am happy...I am me.

if you click on this lovely photo it leads to my photo-blog-project-thing :)

Let's be Friends

Sometimes you meet extraordinary people amongst the bustle of every-day life, 
and it feels like you've been friends
for years, and years, and years.
 It doesn't feel like you're welcoming the new face into the collection of familiars,
rather, you're refreshing an old memory of an old face you never get to see. 
You skip the introductions, the stupid remarks, and the small talk.
You skip all the usual occurrences that normal people undergoing introductions endure, 
for you see, this introduction in particular doesn't feel like much of an introduction at all.
 Deep down, despite the lacking memories and the empty safe that's supposed to be filled with long-hushed secrets,
your meeting feels like more of a reunion.

And just like that,
you find yourselves hidden within a safe place,
tucked away from the chaotic world, 
as every secret that has been locked within your heart for so many years manages to slither out of your lips.
 Somehow, this new-found friend held the key that unlocked all your secrets.
You soon realize that before you could even stop it from happening,
you'd become genuine friends;

A friend that tells me I'm wrong,

no matter how much I like to think that I'm right.

You show me the good, even when everything seems bad.

You go along with all my crazy ideas and activities,

even when I know you really don't want to.

You're someone who listens to my ramblings of life,

and you actually listen.

This short time in my life, where we have known each other, has surpassed all other times, even though we haven't done anything particularly spectacular. 

Every simple day moment seems so much better with friends, with the people you love. 

So thanks for making my ordinary life something much more

extraordinary.

Click on this ^ photo for a magical surprise :)

 

Falling into Change

As the crisp autumn leaves begin to change colors I wonder if I can do the same. Can I let go of that past, move on and become something new? When that cool autumn air blows through the trees will I be willing to let go and follow new dreams? I sure hope so. Change can be good, at least that's what I hear. I've never had to change much, but suddenly, now things disappear....and I'm forced to change what I've always know and venture into what is foreign and that is where I roam. At times I feel lost, and other times I'm enlightened, so I'll continue on this journey and hope I can find me. 

my favorite sound in the entire world? That little crunching sound as you walk over the fallen leaves on the sidewalk :) or even better, intensify it by a hundred and just jump into a huge pile of leaves. 

 cause he's adorable

secret obsession #267: fall leaves

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Life's still not perfect, the storm's not quite over, but rather, I've learned to dance in the rain
Litterally.
Out in the dark of night, huge rain drops poured, and we danced. Running around, screaming, laughing, jumping in puddles. We splashed each other, us as friends. And as the water dripped down my face I realized that I was happy. Standing there in the freezing cold rain, I was happy.

The Fairytale I needed

It was magical...no words can describe the complete and utter joy I felt yesterday as I once again learned what it feels like to just live.

First of all: I got asked to Homecoming! When the doorbell rang I was in my pajamas getting ready to go to bed and my mom called me up saying the door was for me. Finally, I thought, things might be turning for the better. So I ran up the stairs to find this on my porch:

P.S. that little^ rock on the left said Yes on it
I was glad, and even though the BYU-Utah game happens to be on the same day as homecoming, I got over it :)
Well, the next day was school, but being Friday, everything was a little better. My best friend and I even went out to JCW's for lunch and began our 'try-every-flavor-of-ice cream-at-JCW's-challenge'. And even though I was late for 4th period, I didn't care.
After school my best friend decided to help me answer Ben to homecoming. So there we were, along with our other friends McKell and Heather, making cupcakes and a poster with "It would rock my world to go to homecoming with you" with the O on rOck being the actual rock saying yes on it. And then on Ben's porch there was sitting some random sidewalk chalk, therefore, we decided to draw a pretty chalk mural around the cupcakes and such before we doorbell ditched them and secretly watched as Ben's little sister opened the door and just stood there staring at it for a little while. 

After that little adventure we decided to be spontaneous, we went to U-Swirl and had a TON of free samples. I tried every flavor, some multiple times, so yes it was a lot of frozen yogurt, and then we bought a bunch of those little round topping things that explode in your mouth...they make me happy. At this point we had no where to go, so we drove around. We even went around a round-a-bout 12 times...yes 12, I was dizzy. And somehow we ended up in front of some random persons house, parking the car, and adventuring down into this little hidden pond. We went under this willow tree, a gigantic willow tree, where it was just us, enclosed in this little safe haven. There was a swing, so I swung, the warm summer air blowing my hair...and at that moment I forgot about all my worries-of school, and friends, and life- cause at that moment, everything was perfect. 

We continued on our adventure, climbing through wire fences, up and over hills, hopping over ditches and walking through the tall grass, until we came to the tree. Our tree, the perfect tree, in which we climbed until we could climb no higher, and we sat. We sat there, and I looked up, up through the green tree canopy, up to where the night sky was lit by the full blue moon. Up. To where my newly found best friend sat, at only one week of acquaintance he was teaching me how to live, how to love, and how to be happy.

Excuses Excuses :)

I'm pretty sure I've been so busy the last couple weeks to even think about sitting down and blogging so... that's my excuse, and now I'll attempt to summarize the recent little bit of my life:

Christmas was dandy, and then three days later I was on my way to California :) I was with some of my most favoritest (yes, that's incorrect english) people in the entire world and it was a serious party. Even the 14 hour bus ride wasn't as bad simply because I got to enjoy the company of my amazing friends. and maybe i also enjoyed it cause I sat next to him the whole time. Disneyland definitely became my happiest place on earth. Rides, Food, Friends, Talking, Laughing, Carefree... it was perfect.  Every second of those two days in Disneyland will now forever be a memory that I will hopefully always remember. It was everything I expected and more. yes, i spent nearly every moment with him, went on every ride with him, enjoyed all my time with him. But the fun didn't stop there. There was also a New Years dance, Hollywood, the beach and also some very enjoyed free time at the hotel. Finally at the end of the week came the Rose parade. It ended up not being as hard as anticipated... but that definitely does not mean it wasn't hard. I thought my arms were going to fall off! but I'm proud to say I made it, and now it will be something I can always look back on.  Although I must say that one of the best feelings ever was seeing the end of that 7 mile parade route. And now it's all over. Probably one of the best weeks of my life thus far. It was amazing, and it was quite the shock coming back to reality: back to school, coming back to the end of the semester, back to the stress. but that's life. 

Kirsten & Tanner

Kyle, Kenz & Cameron

Pluto!!

We ran into my family while in Disneyland...

so this is me and Kolbein :)

Tanner and I took this picture :)

I like it

Eliza & Kirsten

she was in my room... party!

So that was my not so short summary of California. And since then it's just been school, dance, family, the normal. Today's Kolbein's birthday... just thought I'd throw that out there. He's turning six which means I'm sixteen in twelve days :) well have a great day, I'm going to go enjoy mine.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, much too often, I look, I adore and I wish. I wish that I could be that person, I wish that I was perfect. But all too often that definition of perfect becomes askew. Perfect...

The perfect dancer, the best. I wish

To be incredibly in shape, all skinny yet muscular

A perfect pianist,

or the smartest of smart,

the most beautiful one that everyone else would envy,

the best musician

and the nicest person ever.

the most eloquent writer,

to sing the very best

and to have all the talent in the world.

Yet,

I'm an ordinary girl...

and to others I may never be the best,

but I will be the best I can be,

and that is something extraordinary.

 



Time to Enjoy :)

Accomplished..... It's an amazing feeling to realize not only did you survive the day but you had an accomplished day. To work so hard and realize you can finally relax is such a joy. That moment where it suddenly dawns on you that it is Christmas break {and it's going to be the best break ever} is a fantastic moment. Life becomes exciting and you actually become excited to live every second, to make memories that will last forever,  to finally relax and just enjoy.
I hope you all have a most wonderful Christmas break, I hope that we can all remember the true meaning of Christmas and spread that joyful light and happiness to all those around us. May you all have a Merry Christmas that will make memories to remember forever.

Done...

"I've fallen like a fool for you...
..I tell myself I'm in too deep 
Then I fall a little farther 
Everytime you look at me"

Done...
    Everything,
             I'm
                Done

School is the last thing I want to do

I'm so mentally ready for a break

A break from everything

But deep down inside I don't want to be done with him,

I don't want everything we had to just vanish,

yet I can't handle it anymore.

'Tis time for Christmas Break

What do I do?

I really need to get over him,

Everyday I desperately look for sign that he still likes me,

when in reality I know he doesn't,

but I have hopelessly fallen in a trap,

and I don't know how to get out,

I follow him around like a little puppy,

I attempt to talk to him and make a fool out of myself,

I try and create this relationship that truly never was,

and definitely never will be,

I really need to just get over it and move on with my life...

but there's that small part of me that wants to hold on,

hold on to that small strand of hope that stills remains,

I will continue to dream, to watch and to hope,

and I guess what ever happens was meant to be,

right?

I'm back to where I was... and I wish I wasn't here...but what can I do? 

Is that what I need to do?

...or is just one reason enough?

Well I guess there's always hope...

I Think I Think Too Much...

 today I thought of things, people, places to be,

my fantasies, reality, and the things I did see.

I thought of the thoughts that others might think, and,

as silly as it seems, their thoughts about me.

Do I visit their thoughts only seldom or more?

Am I pleasant or not in those thinkings galore,

when I'm thinking of them do they think of me too?

And am I the only one who thinks these things through...

Do I matter to them as much as they do to me,

but I may never know so I'll let it just be.

ThatHolidaySeason

I'm not sure what makes it so magical...

the smells of scrumptious food, along with family and friends,

the smiles and laughter, and homes filled with joy,

there's so much more giving and in return a little getting,

outside the snow lightly falling is just so beautiful,

and inside the warmth and hot chocolate is so very comforting,

people in general just seem so much more happy,

and who can't love the Christmas music that is simply played everywhere,

lights, decorations, singing and smiling, cooking, the gatherings,

they all create memories.

Thanks to a wonderful Thanksgiving, new memories have been created... dinner was at my house, it was very crowded but delicious. It's so fun having family come together and just enjoy one an other's company. we played basketball, played the piano, played a game of Life, watched a movie, played together, and just enjoyed our night :) now exactly one month until Christmas! It's most definitely the most wonderful time of the year.



[Im]perfect

Its that feeling of inadequacy,

thinking you're not enough,

comparing yourself to others

only to wish you were more like them,

wishing for her clothes, her talents, her beauty, her man, her hair, her smarts, her personality, her life, 

but why become more like her when you can be you...

It took me some Sunday school lessons, along with a temple trip, and reading a friends words to realize that.

here would be some of those words I mentioned:

You have something she doesn't :)
You have your faith.
You have a light, bright as day, shining right within you.
You have the knowledge that you are not alone.
You have imperfections, which are most beautiful anyway.
You have strengths and talents no one has, maybe even you do not know them.
You are YOU.
Don't ever second guess yourself.
He knows what you are to do.
So go find that out.
And always remember, I love you.


It's so true! In the end it doesn't matter if I became perfect in their eyes, but that I can become perfect through Him... that I have divine qualities and purposes that I'm here on this earth to fulfill, and no one can stop me from reaching that potential.



La La Land

One moment I'm there, then suddenly I'm gone. I'm sure my eyes get this glazed over look as if I'm staring into outerspace.

My mind slowly drifts...the voices around me fade and I'm in my perfect fantasy. Never logical or realistic my mind creates a beautiful image. Whatever it may be. An image of a perfect world, just perfect and carefree. You have all been there at one time...for some more frequently. Like me I was there for most of my day, it's just so calm and comforting. To dream and wish, it's what I love. And then there's reality.

My eyes become focused, my mind becomes clear and once again I'm there. It's like waking up to an annoying alarm clock except the alarm is an annoying voice with no snooze button. It's that wonderful realization that you have no idea what the teacher is talking about and that you just missed the whole class discussion...great. But it's totally worth it. :)     

Count Your *bLeSsInGs*

I realize I complain a lot

that sometimes I'm negative

that you all have to listen to me whine

but I also realize that we live life once

that being positive makes life better

and that I have a lot of blessings.

Some look at the glass half empty, others half full...and then there's the ones who are just grateful for the glass :)

• my family
• the gospel
• my house
• my clothes
• my friends
• school
• my shoes
• a car
• dance
• the sun
• beautiful sunsets
• gorgeous sunrises
• daylight savings
• seminary
• the scriptures
• prayer
• church
• people at church
• this computer
• the internet
• paper
• homework (believe it or not)
• food
• people who smile in the halls
• friends who give me hugs
• a very special friend who brings me hot chocolate :)
• the sound crunching leaves make
• people who give compliments
• my mom and dad encouraging me to get good grades
• my little brother who makes me laugh
• inspirational quotes
• music
• the temple
• cell phones
• holidays to look forward to
• a warm house
• the piano
• hymns
• post-it notes (they help me more than you could imagine)
• sleep
• I'm grateful for you... no matter who you are I know you have impacted my life, whether big or small, and I appreciate that. 
• and I'm sure I could continue this list...but for times sake I won't :)