For a Moment

I'm sitting before a blinking cursor, starring at the emptiness of an unwritten post. So many words and thoughts to display, but no way to eloquently string them together. Just too many emotions and stories that I cannot explain, too many moments where words will never suffice. My words are too few, at least the ones I'm willing to share, so for now this is going to have to do:
 I wish my words could show you the heart break I felt as she told me her story of her inadequacy and guilt. But even then it wasn't her words, but the look in her eyes that completed the story and made myself cry.
I wanted to say something to comfort us both, but all I could say is "I'm sorry, that's rough..."
My words probably meant nothing- but the moment we touched, as I embraced her and hugged her that's when I felt pure sisterly love.
It's not what we say, or what's written in a post, it's the hugs and the tears that help us live most. It's that human connection, the moment were words are obsolete, that's when more can be said then a lifetime of words can create. 

  

Zebra Stripes

Who knew girls could be so emotional. I sometimes can't understand it. But at the same time I need to realize it's not a big deal. I love her, a lot (I honestly do) and so I'll forgive and forget because the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest. And let's be honest, we all have those crazy emotional moments, and my week seemed to be filled with them. Do you want to hear about them? Well, if you do, here ya go:
Sometimes I feel bad for Monday, everyone seems to hate her so, but sometimes it really sucks to have to go back to reality and realize you must make it through the whole week, so I don't blame anyone for hating Monday, cause I do to. And well, let's just say that by the end of 4th period that day I was ready to burst into tears. But he noticed, and he told me that all will be well. He reminded me of the good things in life. And when I finally sat down in my car, ready to go home after a long day, I just took a deep breath, I let out a long sigh and then I looked right in front of me, where stuck on my windshield was a kind note. Filled with love and optimism, this note let me know that someone cared for me, that they cared about me, and it made me so happy that for the rest of the day my face hurt from smiling so much.
Tuesday felt like it should've been a Thursday. I went through the motions and survived another day in the dreaded place most people call school. Later that day I had the opportunity of acting like a 5 year old for a number of hours as I babysat. I was reminded of the simplicity and the true joys in life, I was reminded of what really matters.
I'm pretty sure I slept through most of Wednesday, classes and all. But I also went to a lovely choir concert. And afterwards we went to see our friend open his mission call. What an experience it is to see your good friend open his mission call, to realize he will be in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma for two whole years.
Thursday, oh Thursday.  I decided to be spontaneous, and I just showed up at a soccer game. Probably the best spontaneous thing I have ever done. I really had no idea he had a game. I just saw his car and realized that, being a Thursday, he might have a game. So I walked over there and watched. Afterwards we talked... And sometimes just talking to someone can turn your day upside down and make it one of the best days ever. 
And that brings us all the way to today, Friday! I'll be incredibly impressed if you actually read all of this....
So, moral of the story is; life is filled with good and bad, highs and lows, happy and sad. It all just depends on how you decide to look at it. I appreciate genuine people; the kind of people who look you in the eye when they say they care about you, and then give you the warmest hug you ever did have. I appreciate happy people; the people who smile in the face of adversity and look at hard circumstances as an opportunity to grow. I appreciate people who appreciate life; the kind of people who live each day as if it is some grand adventure. I appreciate you.

me.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my crazy, teenage, irrational emotions; jealous, rude, overly-sensitive, critical, selfish. But that's not really me, I hope.
 *I sincerely apologize to those of you who have ever affiliated with me during my awful outbursts of rage, but everyone has those moments, right?*
But luckily, I have found my outlet, my way to let it go, and it's called dance. 
Now, you must understand that I dance everyday, but there is a large difference between just doing dance movements and dancing with your whole heart and soul. Sometimes it's during these hard days, when my whole world seems to be upside down, that I've learned how to truly dance. There, all by myself, though surrounded by others, I'm able to forget myself and let it go, and at that moment I expose myself to the entire world, my worries disappear and suddenly I'm me.
It's not always about the competitions and judges, or what people say about me when I dance, it's not about the reputation I get as a dancer (especially because at times it's not a very good reputation), but it's about that feeling I have when I dance. That feeling of freedom, of ,complete and utter joy that feeling when you can finally see yourself improve, that moment when your crazy, awful day is suddenly filled with light, that moment when my true self is expressed.
Words can't describe it, but let me try it this way:

Imagine a cardboard box in a dark room,

inside is a light,

but the only way you can ever see that light is if you open the box,

and once the box is opened, that light can reach out and fill the darkness.

the world (and my crazy, teenage, irrational emotions) is the darkness,

I am the box

and dance is that light inside of me,

when I open up, I expose myself to the world,

suddenly that darkness is filled with light

and I am happy...I am me.

if you click on this lovely photo it leads to my photo-blog-project-thing :)

The photos I promised

Homecoming 2012
Junior Year

 Yeah...he proposed to me ;)

As I said before, homecoming was magical. Obviously Ben is a stud and I had the BEST group anyone could ask for. The whole day was just amazing. And the dance? A grand staircase entrance, illuminated by the stars, and the moon, and thousands of Christmas lights that were wrapped around trees. Literally, it felt as if we had walked into a movie. So yeah, it was great, a night I always hope to remember. And now, I get to look forward to all the other great things that happen in high school, and life, and I'm excited.

Dancing in the moonlight

Adventures are good, sometimes the best adventures occur when you become lost.
When some people get lost they suddenly become filled with anxiety, don't know what to do, and panic...which I do that too, to some extent, but I also become so excited, wondering where this unknown path will take us. Sometimes, when you're lucky, this path simply leads you into a meadow, hidden in the trees, with the sunlight filtering through the multicolored fall leaf canopy, and sometimes that little safe haven is better than any place you had originally planned.

 try clicking on this photo ^


 Later that day...

I felt like a princess. It took a solid two hours, but thanks to my incredible mother, I was able to look in the mirror and think to myself, "I am beautiful", which is a thought that rarely passes through my head.
It was a blast. I was with some of the best people in the world, and I wouldn't have changed anything about this last night. Everything was PERFECT.

just pretend this photo is super great... (even though it's not)

 Love this girl like a sister :)

 Ben and I

*more photos to come*

Let's be Friends

Sometimes you meet extraordinary people amongst the bustle of every-day life, 
and it feels like you've been friends
for years, and years, and years.
 It doesn't feel like you're welcoming the new face into the collection of familiars,
rather, you're refreshing an old memory of an old face you never get to see. 
You skip the introductions, the stupid remarks, and the small talk.
You skip all the usual occurrences that normal people undergoing introductions endure, 
for you see, this introduction in particular doesn't feel like much of an introduction at all.
 Deep down, despite the lacking memories and the empty safe that's supposed to be filled with long-hushed secrets,
your meeting feels like more of a reunion.

And just like that,
you find yourselves hidden within a safe place,
tucked away from the chaotic world, 
as every secret that has been locked within your heart for so many years manages to slither out of your lips.
 Somehow, this new-found friend held the key that unlocked all your secrets.
You soon realize that before you could even stop it from happening,
you'd become genuine friends;

A friend that tells me I'm wrong,

no matter how much I like to think that I'm right.

You show me the good, even when everything seems bad.

You go along with all my crazy ideas and activities,

even when I know you really don't want to.

You're someone who listens to my ramblings of life,

and you actually listen.

This short time in my life, where we have known each other, has surpassed all other times, even though we haven't done anything particularly spectacular. 

Every simple day moment seems so much better with friends, with the people you love. 

So thanks for making my ordinary life something much more

extraordinary.

Click on this ^ photo for a magical surprise :)

 

Meant to Be

Is it true that everything happens for a reason? 
I believe it is.
How else could my crazy, awful, traumatic situations suddenly turn out perfectly?
Is it really all coincidence? 
I was at my breaking point, and suddenly it all came back together.
So once again I've learned that in the end everything's okay. 
Trust in Him. And trust in His timing.

He loves you.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

Life's still not perfect, the storm's not quite over, but rather, I've learned to dance in the rain
Litterally.
Out in the dark of night, huge rain drops poured, and we danced. Running around, screaming, laughing, jumping in puddles. We splashed each other, us as friends. And as the water dripped down my face I realized that I was happy. Standing there in the freezing cold rain, I was happy.

ThatHolidaySeason

I'm not sure what makes it so magical...

the smells of scrumptious food, along with family and friends,

the smiles and laughter, and homes filled with joy,

there's so much more giving and in return a little getting,

outside the snow lightly falling is just so beautiful,

and inside the warmth and hot chocolate is so very comforting,

people in general just seem so much more happy,

and who can't love the Christmas music that is simply played everywhere,

lights, decorations, singing and smiling, cooking, the gatherings,

they all create memories.

Thanks to a wonderful Thanksgiving, new memories have been created... dinner was at my house, it was very crowded but delicious. It's so fun having family come together and just enjoy one an other's company. we played basketball, played the piano, played a game of Life, watched a movie, played together, and just enjoyed our night :) now exactly one month until Christmas! It's most definitely the most wonderful time of the year.



[Im]perfect

Its that feeling of inadequacy,

thinking you're not enough,

comparing yourself to others

only to wish you were more like them,

wishing for her clothes, her talents, her beauty, her man, her hair, her smarts, her personality, her life, 

but why become more like her when you can be you...

It took me some Sunday school lessons, along with a temple trip, and reading a friends words to realize that.

here would be some of those words I mentioned:

You have something she doesn't :)
You have your faith.
You have a light, bright as day, shining right within you.
You have the knowledge that you are not alone.
You have imperfections, which are most beautiful anyway.
You have strengths and talents no one has, maybe even you do not know them.
You are YOU.
Don't ever second guess yourself.
He knows what you are to do.
So go find that out.
And always remember, I love you.


It's so true! In the end it doesn't matter if I became perfect in their eyes, but that I can become perfect through Him... that I have divine qualities and purposes that I'm here on this earth to fulfill, and no one can stop me from reaching that potential.



Random Spasms of Happiness

It's official:

Everyone thinks I'm crazy

I am crazy

and today it was a little more than normal.

Reason? maybe it was the relief of turning in an essay, or a teacher saying that the homework actually isn't due until next time, or feeling good after taking a test. maybe it was the sporatic hug, or even the fact that he walked a little faster in the hall just to come talk to me, there's a possibility it was simply because he sat by me at lunch, or maybe it was the doughnuts my wonderful friend Brittney brought to lunch. It could have also been that school was short, that I have no homework to do and therefore I finally get to enjoy my time and breathe.

well... life is good. in fact life is beautiful and amazing.



11-11-11...the only 1

Guess what?

I know I say this all

the time but I will tell you

again, you only get to live today

once...that's right once. 11-11-11

it's the only one, every breathe

is one you can't get back,

every moment of

sad-

ness

is

one

mo-

ment

of

happ-

iness

you'll

ne-

ver

live.

so

make

to-

day

a

good

one

Make a Wish and Make it Happen

see what I did there? (just in case you're blonde like me and need some assistance) the words make one of those little wishing weeds, the ones that parents hate but I adore, that blow into the wind and make you feel all happy inside. I like those weeds :)

with love,

the blonde one  

Count Your *bLeSsInGs*

I realize I complain a lot

that sometimes I'm negative

that you all have to listen to me whine

but I also realize that we live life once

that being positive makes life better

and that I have a lot of blessings.

Some look at the glass half empty, others half full...and then there's the ones who are just grateful for the glass :)

• my family
• the gospel
• my house
• my clothes
• my friends
• school
• my shoes
• a car
• dance
• the sun
• beautiful sunsets
• gorgeous sunrises
• daylight savings
• seminary
• the scriptures
• prayer
• church
• people at church
• this computer
• the internet
• paper
• homework (believe it or not)
• food
• people who smile in the halls
• friends who give me hugs
• a very special friend who brings me hot chocolate :)
• the sound crunching leaves make
• people who give compliments
• my mom and dad encouraging me to get good grades
• my little brother who makes me laugh
• inspirational quotes
• music
• the temple
• cell phones
• holidays to look forward to
• a warm house
• the piano
• hymns
• post-it notes (they help me more than you could imagine)
• sleep
• I'm grateful for you... no matter who you are I know you have impacted my life, whether big or small, and I appreciate that. 
• and I'm sure I could continue this list...but for times sake I won't :) 

Lost for Words

I have no idea what I'm posting about or why I'm even attempting

to create a legitimate post...but any who here's some random thoughts of mine.



I want to be in Hawaii

on a beach...yeah that'd

be nice

I love fall, mostly the leaves

I really want to make a huge

pile and jump in it.

Maybe my bestie will decide

to play with me and we shall

do this.

He's amazing...yes him.

I'm obsessed. But if he

would just stop being so

nice, and smart, and funny,

and cute, and talk able, and

incredible then maybe I'd be

able to get over him.

I love my crazy family.

Eating Ice cream and going

crazy in a car with them is

most enjoyable. They make

me giggle.

I'm so sore from dance...

but I love it.

I LOVE IT!!

I should probably be doing

this silly little thing called

homework right now.

I think I'll go make cupcakes

for my friends little sister...

Life is good. Be Happy.

Enjoy life. You only get to live

today once.

Let's Be Friends

Sometimes you meet extraordinary people amongst the bustle of every-day life, 
and it feels like you've been friends
for years, and years, and years.
 It doesn't feel like you're welcoming the new face into the collection of familiars,
rather, you're refreshing an old memory of an old face you never get to see. 
You skip the introductions, the stupid remarks, and the small talk.
You skip all the usual occurrences that normal people undergoing introductions endure, 
for you see, this introduction in particular doesn't feel like much of an introduction at all.
 Deep down, despite the lacking memories and the empty safe that's supposed to be filled with long-hushed secrets,
your meeting feels like more of a reuinion.

And just like that,
you find yourselves hidden within a safe place,
tucked away from the chaotic world, 
as every secret that has been locked within your heart for so many years manages to slither out of your lips.
 Somehow, this new-found friend held the key that unlocked all your secrets.
You soon realize that before you could even stop it from happening,
you'd become genuine friends.

finding a way to forget life and live

Life is perfect,

who would've thought I'd be saying that,

but I am,

and you may be wondering...

why so perfect?

answer: there's no reason it can't be,

I've learned to live,

don't live in the past but learn from it,

don't live only for the present but live with it,

don't wish for the future but determine what it will be,

Life is a gift

 and sometimes we just have to step back,

forget about stress,

forget about silly little things,

and appreciate life for what it's worth,

I just feel joy,

and there is no particlular reason,

except for there is no reason to be anything except

happy.

but maybe he does add to the happiness,

and maybe sitting next to him with us playing the piano

is the best feeling in the world,

and maybe long late night talks are really nice,

and maybe I just really love life.

and maybe I've learned what it really means to live...

because I love it

 Just because....

because we were there



Long Talks and Life

Talks are good. I believe there's a reason certain people are in my life.

 Incredible, spiritual, loving, kind, generous, magnificent people.  

And I'm not sure these people will ever realize the imense impact they have on my life. Like talking to me for hours on end, it's amazing how much better it makes you feel. It helps to just realize that others struggle with the same things you do, we're all going through this life with ups and downs. And sometimes we all just need a hug.

 IlovethosespontaneoushugsfromOthers :)

So yeah... right now my life is excellent. Going to the temple always just brings some extra light into your life, reading scriptures definitely helps your day go more smoothly, praying is the absolute best stress reliever, and life can be a great experience.  But of course there is still those hardships, the gospel just helps me put my problems into perspective.  Friends are such a great blessing, yet they can also become a terrific trial.  Which is just one more reason I so very much appreciate those true friends. So thanks...

10 days...

It has been exactly 10 days since I posted on this blog...but it's seldom looked at anyways, so I'm sure that the only one who missed it was me. But I've learned some things in the past 10 days. Lots of things:

Like some people actually care about me,

that there's always something good in life to look for,

that I may be slightly infatuated with a very kind gentleman,

that everything is about your additude,

that my dad made funny faces in all his pictures from high school,

that life is crazy... but it would be so boring otherwise,

that being spiritual makes life so much easier to handle,

that there's always someone you can help,

that studying for a test is definitely worth it,

and that no matter how much rain there is.... there's always a rainbow at the end.

See I learn something new everyday :)

I have to say this week was one of the busiest of my life! But I passed range, fixed some grades, helped some friends, taught a spiritual lesson, talked to my family, and made life exciting. But there was definitely those moments where I felt like exploding with stress, and then I would break, and life would rain down upon me, and then, you learn to dance in the rain and find the good, to wait out the rain and then...

there's always the rainbow.

More of My Silly Teenage Girl Life :)

Why you might be reading this...I don't know.
The only reason I actually write on this blog is because it's a nice way to examine my life, and it's nice to express all my feelings, and tell it to the world, even if no one is listening. But upon my examination of life I have come to conclude that I am just so wrapped up in my own personal teenage girl life. But really, what teenage girl isn't?

So my thoughts? Upon today I've been pondering about perspective of life...
What if we changed the way we see things?
 What if we "were in someone elses shoes for a day"
 What if we saw things like we were five years old again?
What if we always thought with an eternal perspective?

What if....

and sometimes I think I think too much.

It's the Sadest sorrows bringing the most glorious Joy

Without sadness we would have no joy,

without dislike, love wouldn't mean nearly as much.

It's that moment that you loose something that it becomes so dear to you,

When you're in the most despair you can finally recongnize what you have.

I'll tell you this: 

Circumstances invade upon our life that happen to influence

our mood... whether that be good or bad,

and when we loose something or someone

we realize just how much they mean to us.

And no matter how bad it seems at the moment,

or how long that moment is,

we always come out stronger and with more appreciation.

Whether it's something as big as loosing your best friend or something somewhat smaller like not being able to go to dance for sometime.... You all mean so much to me and I don't know what I'd do without you.

Everytime I'm not with you I miss you,

but that just makes the times I see you that much more special.