Zebra Stripes

Who knew girls could be so emotional. I sometimes can't understand it. But at the same time I need to realize it's not a big deal. I love her, a lot (I honestly do) and so I'll forgive and forget because the first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest. And let's be honest, we all have those crazy emotional moments, and my week seemed to be filled with them. Do you want to hear about them? Well, if you do, here ya go:
Sometimes I feel bad for Monday, everyone seems to hate her so, but sometimes it really sucks to have to go back to reality and realize you must make it through the whole week, so I don't blame anyone for hating Monday, cause I do to. And well, let's just say that by the end of 4th period that day I was ready to burst into tears. But he noticed, and he told me that all will be well. He reminded me of the good things in life. And when I finally sat down in my car, ready to go home after a long day, I just took a deep breath, I let out a long sigh and then I looked right in front of me, where stuck on my windshield was a kind note. Filled with love and optimism, this note let me know that someone cared for me, that they cared about me, and it made me so happy that for the rest of the day my face hurt from smiling so much.
Tuesday felt like it should've been a Thursday. I went through the motions and survived another day in the dreaded place most people call school. Later that day I had the opportunity of acting like a 5 year old for a number of hours as I babysat. I was reminded of the simplicity and the true joys in life, I was reminded of what really matters.
I'm pretty sure I slept through most of Wednesday, classes and all. But I also went to a lovely choir concert. And afterwards we went to see our friend open his mission call. What an experience it is to see your good friend open his mission call, to realize he will be in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma for two whole years.
Thursday, oh Thursday.  I decided to be spontaneous, and I just showed up at a soccer game. Probably the best spontaneous thing I have ever done. I really had no idea he had a game. I just saw his car and realized that, being a Thursday, he might have a game. So I walked over there and watched. Afterwards we talked... And sometimes just talking to someone can turn your day upside down and make it one of the best days ever. 
And that brings us all the way to today, Friday! I'll be incredibly impressed if you actually read all of this....
So, moral of the story is; life is filled with good and bad, highs and lows, happy and sad. It all just depends on how you decide to look at it. I appreciate genuine people; the kind of people who look you in the eye when they say they care about you, and then give you the warmest hug you ever did have. I appreciate happy people; the people who smile in the face of adversity and look at hard circumstances as an opportunity to grow. I appreciate people who appreciate life; the kind of people who live each day as if it is some grand adventure. I appreciate you.

me.

Sometimes I get so caught up in my crazy, teenage, irrational emotions; jealous, rude, overly-sensitive, critical, selfish. But that's not really me, I hope.
 *I sincerely apologize to those of you who have ever affiliated with me during my awful outbursts of rage, but everyone has those moments, right?*
But luckily, I have found my outlet, my way to let it go, and it's called dance. 
Now, you must understand that I dance everyday, but there is a large difference between just doing dance movements and dancing with your whole heart and soul. Sometimes it's during these hard days, when my whole world seems to be upside down, that I've learned how to truly dance. There, all by myself, though surrounded by others, I'm able to forget myself and let it go, and at that moment I expose myself to the entire world, my worries disappear and suddenly I'm me.
It's not always about the competitions and judges, or what people say about me when I dance, it's not about the reputation I get as a dancer (especially because at times it's not a very good reputation), but it's about that feeling I have when I dance. That feeling of freedom, of ,complete and utter joy that feeling when you can finally see yourself improve, that moment when your crazy, awful day is suddenly filled with light, that moment when my true self is expressed.
Words can't describe it, but let me try it this way:

Imagine a cardboard box in a dark room,

inside is a light,

but the only way you can ever see that light is if you open the box,

and once the box is opened, that light can reach out and fill the darkness.

the world (and my crazy, teenage, irrational emotions) is the darkness,

I am the box

and dance is that light inside of me,

when I open up, I expose myself to the world,

suddenly that darkness is filled with light

and I am happy...I am me.

if you click on this lovely photo it leads to my photo-blog-project-thing :)

his little game

As soon as I'm getting over him he tells me how beautiful I am....

yep, that kinda ruined my whole plan, but I've realized something else:

It's like I'm this little game piece, all part of his big game, and unfortunately he's a really good player.
When I'm unimportant and no longer have a use, he tosses me aside.
And suddenly when a situation comes up, when he needs another piece, he takes the time to find me, and for some reason I'm so grateful for his attention that I don't even realize he's playing me, that he's using me... using me in a way that in the end is all for his benefit.

But now I see it. I can see that he really doesn't care about me, he cares about the end prize, he want's to be the winner, whatever that entails. 

So I'm done, I'm done playing this silly little game and I'm finally taking control of my own life.

Game Over

...but I wish he'd prove me wrong...

Those songs that perfectly describe your life. :)

one of the hardest things in life is knowing which bridge to build,

and which to burn...

One of those days.

It's one of those days where everything goes wrong...
It all started when our drill practice was scheduled to start at 5:30 (that's in the morning time) and of course I woke up late, therefore I had the wonderful opportunity to run laps around the track, and let me tell you, I absolutely LOATH running. 
At practice I showed everyone the most ungraceful way to fall on your butt, gave the floor a high-five with my face, and bruised my knee in a lovely pattern that somewhat resembles a flower. Then today was picture day, yes picture day, a day in which I get to have my picture taken to be put in a yearbook so random people can look at my face and laugh at how funny I look. And getting out from drill late and having less then 5 minutes to get ready did not help my situation. 
Throughout the day; I got gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe, sworn at by a angry hall-passer-byer, failed my band test (who fails band?...oh yeah, me), had yogurt explode in my backpack, forgot my Latin assignment, dropped my sucker on the floor, recieved hate glares from her and much much more...

nonetheless

There's still good to be seen, a beautiful world to appreciate... like that one girl that complimented my greasy, messy, untamed hair, or the fact that today was warm and sunny, and then of course there's my new best friend, along with the fact that I got a sucker in seminary (after the one I previously dropped on the floor), and then there's just the beautiful flowers, and people, and happiness.

So don't be sad, there's too much of that in the world today, there's always something to give you that little happy sunshine ray :)

...even if it's really hard to find

Random Spasms of Happiness

It's official:

Everyone thinks I'm crazy

I am crazy

and today it was a little more than normal.

Reason? maybe it was the relief of turning in an essay, or a teacher saying that the homework actually isn't due until next time, or feeling good after taking a test. maybe it was the sporatic hug, or even the fact that he walked a little faster in the hall just to come talk to me, there's a possibility it was simply because he sat by me at lunch, or maybe it was the doughnuts my wonderful friend Brittney brought to lunch. It could have also been that school was short, that I have no homework to do and therefore I finally get to enjoy my time and breathe.

well... life is good. in fact life is beautiful and amazing.



Him...

My life has become somewhat centered around a twisted fairy tale.

when he sits next to me my heart jumps,

when he talks to me I feel like I can fly,

 when he smiles at me a small part of me explodes with happiness,

 and when he wraps his warm arms around me its as if the whole world has stopped and become perfect for just that small moment.

At these moments I feel a spark of hope... hope that he likes me as much as I like him

and then

I see him walking next to her,

he tells me how much he wishes she was there,

I read a text between them

and suddenly that small fragile spec of hope is swept away in the many whirlwinds of emotion.

Honestly, I tell him everything, he's my best friend and he somehow always manages to put me in a better mood, he says all the right things when I need it, he feels the exact same way as I do about nearly everything...except for the fact that I secretly adore him. At times its almost as if he likes me too.

It would make my life so much easier if I could just get over him and let us be friends... 

Do I give up? Or do I hold on?

I'm so confused...If you have any advice, it would be much appreciated

Love,

Blondie

Small Joys

A text from "that one"

A hug in the hall

A smile from an old friend

A compliment from an unexpantant personage

A taco tuesday trip

A good score on a test

A walk with the cutest little brother

A positive attitude and

A optimistic outlook on life...

I've come to realize in my past bi-polar days that's it TOTALLY up to yourself to make life worth while It's no one else fault other than your own if you have a bad day. Now I completely undersand there's hard things in life and things that get all of us down, but when you look and recognize the small happy things in life you can't help but light up with joy. I have no real reason to be particualarly happy on this day. I mean I took 3 tests and have a ton of homework with a crazy busy life but I love it 'cause there's all those tiny moments of pure glee that I can hold onto through out my days that fill my soul with happiness.