his little game

As soon as I'm getting over him he tells me how beautiful I am....

yep, that kinda ruined my whole plan, but I've realized something else:

It's like I'm this little game piece, all part of his big game, and unfortunately he's a really good player.
When I'm unimportant and no longer have a use, he tosses me aside.
And suddenly when a situation comes up, when he needs another piece, he takes the time to find me, and for some reason I'm so grateful for his attention that I don't even realize he's playing me, that he's using me... using me in a way that in the end is all for his benefit.

But now I see it. I can see that he really doesn't care about me, he cares about the end prize, he want's to be the winner, whatever that entails. 

So I'm done, I'm done playing this silly little game and I'm finally taking control of my own life.

Game Over

...but I wish he'd prove me wrong...

Those songs that perfectly describe your life. :)

one of the hardest things in life is knowing which bridge to build,

and which to burn...

Falling into Change

As the crisp autumn leaves begin to change colors I wonder if I can do the same. Can I let go of that past, move on and become something new? When that cool autumn air blows through the trees will I be willing to let go and follow new dreams? I sure hope so. Change can be good, at least that's what I hear. I've never had to change much, but suddenly, now things disappear....and I'm forced to change what I've always know and venture into what is foreign and that is where I roam. At times I feel lost, and other times I'm enlightened, so I'll continue on this journey and hope I can find me. 

my favorite sound in the entire world? That little crunching sound as you walk over the fallen leaves on the sidewalk :) or even better, intensify it by a hundred and just jump into a huge pile of leaves. 

 cause he's adorable

secret obsession #267: fall leaves

Hey, I'm back...

I'm not quite sure why I'm trying this whole blogging thing again...

maybe it's because I'm utterly bored, or because I actually talked to the girl whose blog I'm secretly infatuated with, or maybe because life suddenly became so complicated that I'm hoping that by writing it all out somehow it will make more sense.
Well, I haven't written for a while. (obviously.) In fact, I wasn't even 16 when I posted that last post.
A lot has changed since then.
I've gone on my first dates, driven my own car, met new people, had new adventures, and now I'm a junior in high school.
Summer was incredible and I'm sad to see it go. I enjoyed those late nights, in the warm summer air, looking at the stars and talking to each other, feeling like we were the only ones in the whole wide world. I'll miss the bucket list adventures and the crazy expeditions the we went on as the best friends that we were. I'm going to have to get used to not knowing what he's doing every second of the day, because just in the first week of school a whole lot has changed.
Walking down the hall I see him with her every where I go. I sit next to them at lunch but it's like I'm not even there. It's like I don't exist during those school hours, but as soon as that last bell rings, I hear my phone buzz and there's his little apology message...but then nothing changes the next day.
But it's okay! This ^ whatever-you-want-to-call-it mess has maybe given me a new best friend, a boy that the second I met him I felt like I'd known him for all of my existence. It was at the football game, standing in line for drinks, and from that moment on we never stopped talking to each other. Within the first 4 hours of knowing one other, we knew the others whole life story. I'm not sure what will come of this instant friendship process that we experienced...I have no clue if he'll even recognize me on Monday, but at the moment I'm willing to risk it because I'm not sure who else I can even rely on. I just have to tell myself that in the end everything will work out.  

I Think I Think Too Much...

 today I thought of things, people, places to be,

my fantasies, reality, and the things I did see.

I thought of the thoughts that others might think, and,

as silly as it seems, their thoughts about me.

Do I visit their thoughts only seldom or more?

Am I pleasant or not in those thinkings galore,

when I'm thinking of them do they think of me too?

And am I the only one who thinks these things through...

Do I matter to them as much as they do to me,

but I may never know so I'll let it just be.