Monday, February 17, 2014

An Indulgent Morning


Typically my Monday mornings are spent pushing my way through mumbling crowds of complaining students. It's on those mornings I feel completely alone in a sea of people, I'm surrounded be countless individuals who even know my name, yet know nothing about me. This Monday morning there is no school. And I feel less alone here, in my chaise lounge chair with my hot chocolate and laptop, than anywhere else. And on this morning I want to do something a little daring, I want you to see a glimpse of who I really am.

I hate change. I hate it with my whole heart, I try to love it, but I hate it. And when change occurs, I break down, which is pretty pathetic because change occurs on a daily basis--so yes, I'm a wreck ninety-nine percent of the time, I am a total wreck.

Sometimes, I witness things that occur in high school, and I am left utterly and completely incapable of responding to it in any way other than anger. Just the thought of it makes me livid. You know, the pure kind of anger that ignites a flame within you that is comparable to the feeling you get when you stub your toe against the large-and-quite-solid plastic toy your siblings left in the middle of the hall as you're sprinting to the bathroom to pee in the middle of the night. It's obviously uncontrollable, and you obviously would have preferred to have not experienced it.. yet it happened so you end up just having to compress your emotions the best you can, and trudge forward with a forced smile smeared upon your face.


Compliments irritate me sometimes; but only the half-hearted ones that tend to mock my weaknesses and take a gouge into my already-bleeding wounds. I've been struggling with school lately...struggling to the point where I dropped AP Statistics. But when you're taking incredibly monotonous courses with excess amounts of homework, I promise, it takes a toll on you. My success in the "school" portion of my life has been slightly (okay, maybe more than slightly) lacking as of lately, and I'm well aware of the fact. Yet for some odd reason people still feel the strange desire to compliment my intelligence and praise me for my scholarly excellence. 


The only thing I have to respond with is a whole bunch of lame "Thank You's"  that I have stored away in my back pocket. I guess what I really want to hear is, "Kirsten, how is school going?" and I'll say, "Well, I've been struggling lately, but I'm still surviving." Then, that angel of a being will see my emotions for what they really are and say, "School is hard. I understand, I've had my fair share of it. Just remember to do your best, and not compare yourself to anyone else. You're here to develop yourself, and to help yourself grow; it's supposed to be good for you. Look at it from a different perspective. Don't fret.Oh, and lose the stress, you don't pull it off well. And lastly, just remember that if you ever need a hug, I'll be right here waiting with my arms wide open and vacant." At that point, I'd likely hug them right there on the spot for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. And probably just for being a human being who actually cares.

I always feel stupid when I feel down in the dumps over little insignificant things that have been continuously dragging me down over extended intervals of time. So many people come face-to-face with trials that are much more challenging than the ones I've faced in my lifetime, yet somehow the ones I endure still manage to steal away my happiness at particular points in time. Trials are hard, I understand that. But I feel so weak. I feel so beat down, and trodden upon. And when times get like this, I begin to think far too much. Then everything tends to ache more than it should... I put on a brave face, and try to smile away the feelings that are inside of me, but they won't just go away like that. It takes much more effort.

Do you ever feel like you wake up every morning and find yourself surrounded by countless individuals who know your name, yet know nothing about you as an actual person? They are the faces that surround you in the halls and have no insight to the beautiful spirit that lingers within you. At this particular point in time, I feel as if no one truly knows who I am. I feel hidden, locked within this human body, and too terrified of getting hurt to let anyone come in and retrieve the last pieces to the puzzle that make up... me.

1 comment:

  1. i don't claim to know you but I think you're the cutest and thanks for putting some of my thoughts into words (: xo

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